#depression confession

[nidbaesenpai]

got some loop dialogue that didnt flow well with what we were doing the current loop so i made this to kinda smooth it out

[thelilbroken]

It's really saddenin' me that I probably will die not knowing the heavenly feeling of sleeping with him...

[notes-from-anathan]

Mother, I don't feel well.

I have been vomiting black-inked words of misery since I was 14. I thought it was evil.

Will you tell me when I’ll be better?

Will you hug me?

Scratch my head like you used to, so I can fall asleep?

Will you let me hide in the closet, drowning in the comfort of our folded clothes?

Will you please tell me without me having to ask?

Ever since I recognized the space between us, Mother, I haven’t been vulnerable with you. We haven’t been vulnerable with each other. In your eyes, I am a familiar mystery you want to pity and understand, and to me, you are a familiar wound that will never heal.

It was never a practice at home to tell each other how we feel. So I have been burying sentiments you will never know, and I will keep burying them until the day comes when you discover all the corpses I’ve hidden, without ever having to dig.

Sincerely, Ana Thān

photo not mine

[the-kingshound]

On the same note of @elegantunknownphantom 's post, I will take a little time to shake this off my chest.

TW: discussion of mental health issues

The past years were not easy for me. At times - no, most of the time - they were unbearable. When the dread became too heavy, though, this was my escape place. A community that welcomed me and made me feel more at home than anywhere else I have been.

When I hated myself, I could come here and be Kal. Be an author writing silly things, interacting with my community.

It might sound... well, desperate, a bit pathetic, but for years when I was spiralling and asking myself "what good am I for? What have I accomplished in my life?" I answered myself "this. At least I made this."

I remember with clarity living through the end of 2021 and 2022 with nothing to look forward to, but this.

There was a time where I almost gave up on everything because it was too painful and I felt so alone. There was one thing I couldn't give up on, though. My WIPs. I thought about all the people who followed me and I told myself, day after day "I have to keep writing. I can't leave them hanging. I have to finish this game."

And so I kept writing.

And I made through those years. Mainly, I like to think, because of this.

So this is a reminder for myself. A confession, kind of. A thank you to everyone who is here and reading. Everyone who sent me asks, who interacted with me, who supported me in any way, who wrote wonderful IFs where I could escape to, who made my life a little more bearable for a very long, dark period of time.

I don't want to tag people, because I would be here all day. But know that I owe you. That my heart is filled with fondness and gratitude to you.

[akirathedramaqueen]

The Five Stages Of Grief: Verosika vs. Stolas

Alright, guys, it's time to play the complete denial card and ignore for a moment what we've just seen in the last short Viv dropped like a fucking nuke on our heads (seriously, this woman makes me swear more than a sailor).

Are we going to talk about something light? Ha-ha, you are looking at the angstiest person out here. Sorry. No relief for you.

But maybe some bits of analysis will do? Let's go.

The setup

Some time ago, I discussed how differently Stolas and Verosika react to their breakup with Blitz in response to one of my previous posts (it might be useful to read that to have the whole picture, but it's not crucial—here).

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 8:05

If we recap that reblog, I find that Stolas deals with his emotions much better and processes them in a more mature manner than Verosika does.

We could stop there, really, but I wanted to explore the situation from a different angle. Using the Kübler-Ross five stages of grief model, we can pull out more nuance from their actions and words.

They both went through a similar traumatic event—Blitzø hurt them in arguably one of the worst ways possible. The circumstances, Blitzø's intentions, and the outcomes are slightly different, but at their core, they are both left broken and deeply wounded.

Left: S2EP8, The Full Moon, 22:00 Right: S2EP9, Apology Tour, 18:03

So, what about their personalities makes their responses to trauma so contrasting?

Disclaimer about the model's credibility

This is probably me being overly pedantic, but I want to point out that this model is deemed to be popularized by the media, and professionals’ opinions are conflicted—some say it is accurate while others criticize it for its lack of flexibility or go as far as to say it has no application in real life. The studies are also inconclusive—there are papers both in favor of and against this model.

What am I trying to say here? This is a silly analysis about silly demons from a silly show, and if you do happen to unfortunately experience grief in any way (I am so sorry you have to go through this!), it is essentially experienced by all people differently. You should not feel bad if you skip stages or if their order is messed up.

Okay? <3 Okay. You’ve got this in your own way.

Tomorrow will be better than today.

Stolas: A Classic Way

One of the things I noted in my previous post is that Stolas immediately recognizes the pettiness of the party, and I praised his remarkable ability to see through the issues with such events.

The one day a year the spirits can rise amongst the living and it's spent celebrating mutual pettiness. S2EP9, Apology Tour, 6:55

And don’t get me wrong—his own way of dealing with problems is just drinking them away, and that’s not healthy. That’s why he actually belongs at this party.

But emotionally, Stolas is much more aware of what’s going on with him and the people around him. I think that despite his drinking problem, this awareness helps him process his own grief faster and find resolution—or at least an outlet—in just one night.

Let’s apply the five stages of grief model to him and see what’s going on.

Denial

You can see the denial seeping through during their morning conversation—there are moments when he clearly hopes Blitzø will suddenly listen to him and change his demeanor, despite Blitzø being consistent in his brashness and hostility.

Left: S2EP9, Apology Tour, 3:56 Right: S2EP9, Apology Tour, 4:23

Can you see the hope in his eyes? Can you see how ready he would be to brush off the whole shitshow happened between them just for Blitzø to take at least a bit of accountability or accept his feelings?

Additionally, although it doesn’t fit the term perfectly, we could stretch the concept a bit and say that the following lyrics below are somewhat denialish. Notice, by the way, that it’s not linear to the suggested model—you’ll see why later.

But I, I keep on waiting Waiting to want you less than I do And I do, oh, I do, yes I still do want you S2EP9, Apology Tour, 11:08

'Cause I am not a thief, but you were mine to earn S2EP9, Apology Tour, 11:42

He struggles to accept that the relationship has ended (we struggle too, baby owl, and we're not accepting it… but it gets worse before it gets better), and he still waits for Blitzø to return, maintaining a possessive feeling—“you were mine to earn.”

Anger

Stolas's anger is vastly different from Verosika's—I promise to elaborate on it later.

He uses his anger throughout the morning confrontation with Blitzø to protect himself from Blitzø's attacks and futile attempts to retain the status quo. His anger serves to assert that he is done with the transactional arrangement and Blitzø's behavior.

As shocking as this might seem, Blitzø, I don't think I'm in the mood to "do sex" with you. In fact, I don't think I'm even in the mood to do words with you! So, how about you respect that? S2EP9, Apology Tour, 0:57

[Stolas]: Get out. Right now! [Blitzø]: What?! [Stolas]: I'm tired of this! I'm uncomfortable how you're speaking to me now! S2EP9, Apology Tour, 2:24

And all of this happens just the night after that disastrous full moon meeting! Stolas is pissed off, and rightfully so. But he still gives Blitzø the chance to correct his behavior, explain, and apologize. He asks Blitzø to leave him in peace but stays to hear him out until it becomes clear that Blitzø is not going to relent or give in.

His anger is not used to destroy those he is angry with; rather, it is directed toward keeping himself whole—at least as much as possible.

Bargaining

The whole verse of All 2 U, where Stolas contemplates what went wrong and if there's something they could still do, represents him trying to bargain for a better future.

Maybe there's something here for us to glean? For you to teach and me to try and learn? S2EP9, Apology Tour, 11:32

Of course, this is also something very useful for when they come back together (not if!). Despite Blitzø being the focus in the Apology Tour episode, Stolas has a lot of work to do, too. And him realizing that is a positive step.

But for now, from the perspective we’re looking at, this is a clear sign of him trying to trade anything he can for their relationship to flourish.

Depression

Eventually, Stolas breaks down publicly. He can’t hold the mask on anymore; seeing Blitzø is unbearable, as it reminds him too much of everything that happened and everything that could’ve been.

You! Why are you here? I don't want you here, go home, please! Let me not feel so sad! S2EP9, Apology Tour, 15:50

And he manages to compose himself incredibly quickly…

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 16:07

It takes him just 17 seconds to fall into crying and calm himself. But there was more brewing beneath the surface—he just didn’t show it.

Calm yourself, young prince. You know excitement is unbecoming of a Goetia. S2EP1, The Circus, 00:20

Acceptance...?

Then there's the guy who received more hate than he (allegedly) deserved—Better Than Blitzo guy. He asks Stolas for a dance, and Stolas accepts. He seems to quite enjoy himself there, actually… maybe even a tad too much (arguably).

Well, I just wanted to see if... Maybe... I dunno... You'd wanna... Dance? S2EP9, Apology Tour, 16:16

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 19:08

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 20:08

Did he move on? Did he get over Blitzø? We don’t know. I don’t think so. But that dance was certainly an outlet. A relief he was ready to accept. He was ready not to dwell on negative emotions and allow himself to feel something good for a change.

Verosika: A scorched earth way

Now, let’s see how Verosika is doing after all these years post-breakup. Surely she can’t care less about Blitzø now, right?

Anger

Right… No petty feelings at all.

S1EP3, Spring Break, 8:13

There's still resentment...

A selfish imp in the sheets And just as bad in the streets A reckless, heartbreaking freak! S1EP7, Ozzie's, 11:54

Anger… to the murderous degree, actually…

Fuck Blitzo in the fucking ass! S2EP9, Apology Tour, 8:14

Disrespect...

That cock-sucking motherfucker! S2EP9, Apology Tour, 9:36

Remember when I said their anger is different?

She uses hers to fuel her determination to destroy Blitzø’s reputation. She uses her fame and all her resources to humiliate him.

She never moved past anger. Never really processed it.

But wait…

Acceptance?!

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 18:55

All it took was just one long-overdue genuine talk. The moment she saw Blitzø's remorse and let her feelings out, she immediately warmed up, stopped using his dead name, and even gave advice—it’s debatable whether it was the best one, but I believe she meant well for both Blitzø and Stolas.

Hold it, Blitzø. Y’know, if you wanna change, it just starts with saying: “Good for him, hope he gets laid.” S2EP9, Apology Tour, 19:18

You know, I feel there’s a good chance that the next anti-Blitzo party might not ever happen again.

Because she leaped through all the stages in one night, and, maybe not at that exact moment, but she is on the path to acceptance. Finally letting it go.

Baby, I'm not over it, but I'm over you.

Could've saved many years of simmering in rage and destructing herself over Blitzø though.

Conclusions

Oh shit, now I need to somehow connect all the dots, don’t I?

Well... *chuckles nervously* I guess I gotta put on my nerd glasses and pretend I knew what I was doing here and not just threw shit at the wall and saw what stuck.

What I really wanted to say is that Stolas is much more self-aware and was able to work through all his feelings and process them in one day. He went through the complete journey and made immense progress. We don’t know how it will go further, but from what we’ve seen, his emotional intelligence helps him, if not to avoid problematic behaviors like binge-drinking, then at least not to burn bridges behind him, leaving space for understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance.

It’s not to say that Verosika’s way of doing things was wrong because she was angry and skipped through some stages. It was wrong because she made her entire personality revolve around it, turning bringing Blitzø down in any way possible into her ultimate life goal. It was wrong because she never processed it.

And it shows why, even after the break-up, #stolitz can still work, given that Blitzø is open about how he feels and Stolas is open to listening to it.

AGAIN! There’s no right way to process grief. But there should be a priority to heal and accept instead of doubling down and ruining yourself and everything you cared for.

(I am watching you, Blitzø hater. Don’t you dare to shit on my poor lizard. He has his own heap of issues and has had enough after that fucking penguin slur short. So don’t. >:()

[devilsminionworlddomination]

Iwtvtober day 8 - confession

[rainyyy-dayysss]

As he confessed his love for her in a shaky, nervous voice, she could see his love for her in his eyes.

[meluene]

Those elections stopped giving the Destiel confession vibes and turned to SPN series finale vibes...

[stickyvoidpaper]

hc that Tim has a false sleep disorder diagnosis from when he was younger because he refused to tell his parents he was awake for most of the night.

[apple8ees]

hi alien stage fandom. happy november

[riff7s]

[notes-from-anathan]

I can't talk to anyone right now;

I'm a pulsating menace. People are safer when they’re two rooms away from me, when they can’t hear the hurricane inside my brain. This is better. But I’m so scared that when they unlock the doors of my room and unwrap the blankets I’ve imprisoned myself with, they’ll see pools of disappointment gushing out of my skin, and I’ll be lying there quietly, drained of the life they gave me.

Sincerely, Ana Thān

[sdv-confessions]

once i told a friend of mine that seb 110% smells bad and they were so mad they blocked me for a week lol

.

[mash4077confessions]

[avirael]

Confessions

It was almost like one of these dreams where you thought you were falling and woke up with a jolt. Rael’s scream and the image of A’viloh tilting forward over the edge and into the abyss - a falling sensation Rael themself had suddenly felt like it was their own - violently pulled them back from their horrible vision.

For the short moment it took to regain a sense for what was real and what was vision, Rael howled as if in pain, raising a hand to their mouth and almost falling to their knees.

Then, as they suddenly realised the imminent danger A’viloh was in, a shudder went through their body and their head shot up. As quick as Rael’s feet would allow it, the Viera jumped up and raced towards the place they had seen in their vision - hoping that it was not too late already.

Out of breath they reached the corner of the square from their vision only a few minutes later. Their burning lungs and muscles were nothing against the painful stab in their heart as Rael noticed that A’viloh was truly standing at the other side of the square. They had hoped the vision had all just been a strange imagination and not reality but there he stood, just like they had seen it.

The coldness crept back into their bones and a horrible feeling of helplessness threatened to make them freeze, while all of Rael’s thoughts only screamed one word. No!

Not sure what to do, with no idea how to prevent this disaster, how to convince A’viloh that he was wrong, Rael quickly moved closer. Loudly but in a soothing tone, though their voice was involuntarily shaking, Rael forced themself to speak up.

“A’vi…”

The Miqo’te at the edge of the plaza flinched and then slowly looked over his shoulder a little, as if the voice alone hadn’t been enough to tell him who was standing a few steps behind him.

“Rael?”, his thin voice asked and his face was covered in frozen tears. With a sudden wave of despair Rael realised they had no clue what to say. No idea how to fix him.

In their mind they already saw him falling...

No! No, this could not happen!

“What are you doing here?”, Rael asked as casually as possible, like there was a perfectly fine explanation for all of this.

For a second A’viloh seemed unsure, then he looked away.

“Nothing.”, he lied.

Rael decided not to point out this obvious lie and instead calmly asked, “It is cold, is it not? Should we maybe go somewhere else?”

But the Miqo’te remained silent. His ears stubbornly folded back, he avoided Rael’s gaze.

“Would you at least step away from the ledge a bit? Please, A’vi. Let us talk.”, Rael pleaded and offered a hand for him to take.

“About what?”, he asked with a strange voice, unusually serious for him. “There is nothing left to talk about…”

Rael could feel how they were slowly loosing him. But the right words didn’t want to appear in their mind. Only panicked yells and pleas.

“You cannot do this…”

“Why not?”, he asked sadly. “No one needs me anyway…”

“I need you, A’vi.”, Rael almost yelled.

But the Miqo’te shook his head and looked the other way again.

“No you don’t. I’m just a burden for you! This has to end before anyone else gets hurt…”

“None of this was your fault!”, Rael exclaimed, the despair all too audible in their voice.

A’viloh, with his back turned towards Rael, made a sound the Viera could not quite distinguish, a sound somewhere between a sharp laugh and a desperate sob. “Sure, keep telling yourself that. Quite a lot of horrible coincidences, don’t you think?…”

The way he said that made Rael angry. They knew that yelling at him probably would only make things worse but before they could stop themself the words were already out.

“You have got to be kidding me! You are such an idiot, A’vi! An idiot and a coward! Don’t you dare to tell me this is for other people‘s sake when in reality you are just too scared! Too scared of moving on and too scared of getting hurt again! You have not understood a single thing Haurchefant was trying to teach you. He wanted you to be happy, A’vi! Happy!! Do you honestly think he would want this? That any of the people you think you failed would want this? Are you too blind to see that their sacrifices were made so you could live? That they sacrificed their lives for you because they loved you? And now you egoistically want to throw your live away just because it hurts?!”

As a heavy silence settled around them, Rael already felt that this had been too much. With a new wave of tears welling up in his eyes A’viloh turned around and stared at Rael with a peculiar expression. A mixture of shame and anger for being called out like this but also hurt and a certain kind of stubbornness too.

“Maybe!”, he sobbed and finally admitted the truth. To Rael and to himself. “Yes, maybe I am scared! Maybe I am just a weak little coward! Excuse me for not being as clever and brave as you! But nothing you say will change that it’s not fair that they are dead and I am not! That whenever I look back all I can feel is the pain of what I lost. And it will also not change that I could never be happy knowing that all of this was my fault!”

Rael felt like they had messed this up entirely. Their eyes started to burn as they stepped closer reaching out for him. “I am sorry… A’vi… I did not mean…”

“No.”, A’viloh replied gloomily and was about to turn towards the ledge again. “I am sorry…”

“Wait!”, Rael suddenly yelled and then said something they had not expected to speak aloud themself.

“Haurchefant’s death was my fault, not yours!”

A’viloh froze.

This was Rael’s last chance, they knew this. Maybe A’viloh would hate them, maybe Rael’s magic would forever be lost if they broke this one rule. They did not know what would happen and they did not care. Not as long as it possibly could save A’viloh.

“I knew it would happen.”

“What?”, the Miqo’te muttered confused. “What do you mean?”

“It means that I lied to you.”, Rael admitted guiltily. “…and that we need to talk. Please, A’vi, step away from that ledge and let us talk.”

Visibly shaken by this confession A’viloh furrowed his brows. “No, you’re just trying to… Why would you lie to me?… I don’t understand any of this…”

With one last deep breath Rael finally revealed the truth. “I have visions of the future. I knew Haurchefant was in danger because I saw it. I saw it and I still failed to stop it. So instead of blaming yourself for his death, you should better blame me.”

Like a lost child A’viloh simply stood there entirely puzzled, like all of the sudden he found that nothing he believed made sense anymore and he didn’t know what to do or say next.

“Visions? Of the future?…”, he repeated as if these words lacked any meaning to him.

“This is why I knew you were here too.”, Rael confirmed as calmy as they could, while their heart was hammering in their chest. In a desperate attempt to convince him they stretched out a hand one more time. “Please, let me explain everything, A’vi…”

For a horribly long moment nothing happened at all. Everything was silent and motionless like frozen in time. Like fate had not quite decided yet which path it would choose.

Then hesitantly the Miqo’te made a step towards Rael and took their hand. Immediately he was pulled a few steps away from the cloudy abyss while Rael wrapped their arms around his body with a relieved sigh. A’viloh neither returned Rael’s embrace nor rejected it.

As Rael finally let go of him they looked him in the eyes and said, “I owe you an apology.”

“First of all you owe me an explanation.”, A’viloh replied blankly and Rael nodded in agreement.

Without letting go of his hand Rael talked for a long time while A’viloh just wordlessly listened. About how Rael had always heard the whispers of Golmore, about the visions that had led them on their journey, and finally about the omen they had seen but not taken serious enough before Haurchefant’s death. Rael did not try to justify their mistakes but at least they wanted to explain that their powers weren’t properly working anymore this far away from home and also why they hadn’t told him all of this a long time ago.

To Rael’s surprise there was no sign at all to signal they had broken the most sacred rule there was for the Viera. No sharp wind to bite them and no thunder striking down to punish them. Everything just felt the same as before. A’viloh on the other hand…

The thoughts racing in his head were plainly visible in his eyes. How his mind tried to make sense of all of this. “You mean you knew that all of this would happen before it even did?…”

“Not everything…”, Rael tried to correct him but A’viloh didn’t let them. There suddenly was something in his eyes, in his voice. Not exactly anger, but hurt? Disappointment?

“But you knew from the very beginning what kind of journey this was. That it would be dangerous and that people would get hurt. And you asked me to help you anyway…”

“Yes but -“

A’viloh’s ears folded back again and he almost hissed as he interrupted Rael.

“No! You knew all along that I don’t belong here. That I never belonged here. That I never wanted any of this! All I ever wanted-”

His voice broke off as he made another of these sounds that was half sob and half laugh.

Rael would be lying to themself if they said all of this had never occurred to them. Maybe they had just chosen to ignore it. But now that Rael thought about it, it made perfect sense. When they had seen him among the people of Silver Bazaar A’viloh had looked happy. As happy as Rael had rarely seen him at any other occasion. Had they possible demanded too much from him? Had he only tagged along for their sake when in reality all he wanted was to go back to a more peaceful life?

Rael didn’t know what to say. There was nothing they could say or do that would make him feel better. They just sadly looked at him as he shook his head and said, “I thought you were my friend…”

“But I am…”, Rael affirmed while also understanding how betrayed he probably felt.

“No.”, the Miqo’te said sharply. For another moment he looked at Rael, his expression full of disappointment. Then he turned around and walked away towards the lower parts of the city.

“Wait! A’vi!”, Rael called while fear rose up inside them again. “Where are you going?”

“Back to where I should have stayed before you talked me into all of this nonsense!”, he hissed without stopping or turning around.

Then he was gone and Rael was left alone.

They hated how hurt he had looked.

But they rather knew he hated them but was somewhere safe, instead of dead.

[lunarrosette]

Hey gang realized I never shared with the class on here the next custom wood burning piece I got